Pure Thoughts, Anyone?

Has something ever consumed your mind and thoughts so much that it wakes you up in the middle of the night and you can't go back to sleep? This happened to me the other night. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love sleep, so it really annoys me when this happens.

I know in my heart that the thoughts I was having were not pure, holy, or any of those other Philippians 4:8 things. I was thinking about all the negative things that have happened over the last few months in my life. Don't get me wrong...a lot of wonderful things have happened in my life over the last 6 months, the best being the birth of our son. However, I was choosing to focus my thoughts and attention not on the blessings in my life but on the "bad" things that have happened.

When I got up the next day, I was really grumpy. Partly due to lack of sleep, but mostly because I allowed myself to focus so much time on things I KNEW I shouldn't be thinking about. Paul struggled with this...I'm not sure if he was speaking about his thought life, but it's applicable. I like how The Message translation puts it... Romans 7:17-20. Why is it that we, as followers of Christ (and I'm speaking mainly to myself), have such a hard time focusing our thoughts and attention on things that are beneficial to us?

I don't have the answer, but I do know that I have Christ in me and He alone can help me overcome the negativity in my thought life. A couple of years ago I was listening to a speaker at a conference speak on this very thing. She was speaking on real joy and what that means. One of my favorite things she said was that when negative thoughts enter our minds, we need to "Phillipians 4:8" them. She then whipped out an imaginary gun and told us to ask ourselves...

Is it true? (BANG!)
Is it noble? (POW!)
Is it right? (BOOM!)
pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy or excellent? (You get the picture.)

I know that because I am not perfect I will have to decide daily to put aside these negative thoughts and focus on things that are lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, etc. I am so thankful that I serve a perfect God who loves me inspite of my imperfections and wants to fill my mind with these things!

The Parental Shift

Darrell and I begin a new phase in our life tomorrow. The phase in which a parent permanently comes to live with us. My mother-in-law will move into our home this weekend. It will be an adjustment for all of us but I look forward to it. I know there will be a learning curve in the beginning but I hope we can make her new home as pleasant and loving for her. I hope my future children will open up their home for Darrell and I if we need it someday.

It's strange to reach a point in life where your parents need you in such a huge way. As a child they were your support system and I'm sure it is very difficult to lose your independence little by little. I've thought about this even more over the last year. My father is still very young but he has been having some health issues. He is currently in the hospital for a little while after having difficulty breathing while refereeing a basketball game. He found out he had some blockage in his heart and is undergoing angioplasty. This is the second time this year he has been in the hospital dealing with circulation issues. It is so surreal to see your parents health deteriorate. I'm always wanting to help fix things for people. There are some things I just can't fix... so I pray to the One who can. We will all experience the aging process and if we have children we will experience the parental shift. The day will come when I may need my child to take care of me so I pray that I can be as good to them as I needed them to be for me. Please pray for my daddy as he deals with his recovery and my mother-in-law as she adjusts to her new home. I may just drive her crazy with my weird habits, I can be annoying... she'll need the prayer!

Critical comments saved for me

I hate games. Board games, card games, mind games etc. There is one game I will play though. It's a game that is universal. Everyone plays it at one time or another whether they like games or not. It's the blame game. I have found that I've been playing this one a lot lately. It starts with, "I've been done wrong and it's all their fault." Unlike Monopoly I own nothing and yet I feel as though I've won. I've handed full responsibility to someone else for my actions and somehow feel accomplished about that. It's difficult for me to allow people to see my weaknesses but by posting them I publicly confront them. I don't want people to think I'm perfect but sometimes I just don't want them to know how imperfect I am. I take the approach of "you can know my quirks just not my issues." Well I have an issue and I'm not putting this one on someone else... I'm going to own it.

I really dislike someone. This is someone very specific. It comes from having my feelings hurt repeatedly by her. It got to a point where I did approach her. I didn't get everything off my chest though because I wanted to protect an environment for others around me. I hate that these feelings control my emotional balance when I hear her name. Out of all the people who I've felt wronged by... there is just one in particular that I feel controlled by. It hurts when you feel like someone doesn't get you or doesn't like you for whatever reason. I always felt like this person didn't "get" me and never made an attempt to even when I invited her to. The whole situation reminds me of that old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right." Even more convicting, Galatians 6:1-5 "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him (or her-I added that), saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."

Critical comments for myself (In many areas of my life)

-Who am I not to forgive... I'm no better than the person I feel hurt by.

-I'm being self righteous by getting some sort of satisfaction out of thinking I have a right to hold onto this anger.

-How many times have I needed to ask for forgiveness... so publicly... I ask again.

-People will always lie, cheat, manipulate, slander, hurt others, distract, try to hinder your purpose or wait for failure... I need to "get over it" and move on with my life. I cannot let others control me. I allow things to distract my purpose and God is patiently waiting for me to get with it.

-I'm being just as hurtful by holding onto my unforgiveness.

-God can only bless me so much before the blessing ends if I continue to harbor resentment.

-I need to show more grace.

-I need to learn to love more.

God is so good though. He extends overwhelming grace again and again. He has still worked in my life even though I throw up many obstacles. God has shown me love and blessing in spite of my weakness. In my weakness He shows up. I never want to forget who I am and who He has created me to be. I know my purpose so I choose to fully sink myself into that. I will mess up again. It's a given. This is my journey. I may feel like I've dealt with an issue but the test of really knowing I've dealt with it is when it comes up again and again... what is my response... is it different this time? I need to learn to extend more grace... God always extends it to me. The "love your enemy, and learn to forgive" thing comes up a lot for me. What is my response this time? What is He trying to teach me through this? I'm grateful that God extends forgiveness 100% of the time even when it takes me way to long to ask for it. I pray that this admission on my part helps others forgive. I'm tired of hearing, reading and seeing ugliness in people who claim to be followers in Christ. Shame on us... no, shame on me. I pray that my forgiveness restores you. Now I ask you to forgive me. I ask her to forgive me. I'm not playing the game anymore. Save your critical comments for yourself. I'm owning mine...

Love is the movement.

Always in awe

I really underestimate God. I just found out that a friend of mine that I've known since I was 15 years old gave his life to the Lord the other night. He wrote to me on my My Space page to tell me. This is someone I've prayed for many times in the last 14 years. This is also someone that a lot of churches may have written off years ago. I'm glad God didn't write him off. I sometimes feel like there are certain people in life that will never get what it's like to truly know God because I think they are just to far from Him. Sometimes the ones who seem the furthest are the ones who are just a prayer away. Why do I doubt God's ability to move? I have so little faith. I see God change lives over and over again and there are times I still doubt for some. I seem to forget that God uses even the smallest seeds to produce growth beyond what I can ever comprehend (Mark 4:1-8). I am so astounded by my friends new life as a Christ follower. I'm so grateful he thought to share his news with an old friend. I really needed a reminder.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours."

I'm back!!!

Where can I start? There is so much I need to blog about. Darrell and I got back from Texas and got our computer back but our phone line was messed up. Even with the computer back there was no way for me to get on the Internet. It was one thing after another with me! Well, the phone company fixed whatever the problem was yesterday and here I am! It's great to be back with all my blogger chicas!

I've been dying to tell everyone about our trip to Texas with the youth. We got there on Monday and on Tuesday we were already out doing home recovery work. I was blessed to be with a family I absolutely fell in love with. Let me tell you about them. The first day we came it was Miss Fannie (almost 80 year old great-grandmother), her daughter, and the three great grandchildren; Chris-12, DJ-10, and India-5. Some of the girls and I decided to get to know the kids and play with them while some others rebuilt Miss Fannie's ceiling for her. India immediately climbed in my lap and put her head on me shoulder as she wrapped her little arms around me. I instantly fell in love. Chris saw all the adorable teenage girls and went to the bathroom and gargled with some mouthwash only to be called out on it by his brother DJ. He smirked with embarrassment. When we first got there they were watching music videos on BET in a small dark room of the house. We went outside and played basketball, danced, and just got all of our energy out. India taught me how to "pop, lock and drop it" and the "one, two step." If anyone knows anything about me they know that learning new dance moves is something I'm always up for. That was only day one.

Day two was just as amazing and exciting. I got to know the children even better and took some time to really get to know Miss Fannie while the kids played. I learned that she is a Christ follower and attends a Baptist church down the street from her. She told me about her husband who had passed away thirty years ago, her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She spoke with such love and compassion for her family. This was a woman that to most of us had very, very little in material items but she never once complained... in fact all she did was talk about her blessings... she told me that we were a blessing to her. As we were there we picked up on a few things. The meager amount of food in the house, the burnt electrical wires in the ceiling fans that she couldn't afford to replace, the bread she fed the dogs because she couldn't afford dog food, the heat in the in her home from the Texas weather with very little air circulating in the house, the lack of activities and games for the children who stayed with her for three full meals everyday. I felt like I lived a very selfish life the more I fell in love with this family. I went on with my day hanging out with the kids. I taught India my dance moves and sang songs to her from Powerhouse... she loved them and wanted to learn more. The boys played with our youth and were elated all day to take a break from the chores they help Miss Fannie with daily. I watched as the youth worked so hard restoring the house and never complained once. They loved this family and knew that they were making a difference in people's lives. They were amazing examples of Christ's love for others. I could tell I was going to have separation anxiety.

Day three for me was the best and the most emotional. The night before we shared with the rest of the group about our family. The other groups either didn't have a family in their homes or didn't get to spend much time with theirs. The group wanted to use their spending money to make donations for our family. Byron, Angie, Darrell and myself decided to go to Walmart and get some necessities and some fun things for them. Kayleigh got together with some people and made a list of some things they thought the kids would love. When we got everything we took the whole group to Miss Fannie's house on day three to give her the things we had bought. I think it was great for all the kid's to see the difference they were making even if they hadn't met anyone in their own homes. We pulled the huge bus in front of their house and unloaded Byron's truck. We knocked on the door and brought the family around the house to see their gifts. We started with the kids. Chris and DJ got a new basketball net, new basketballs, football, board games (one of them being "Operation" because two of the kids want to be doctors), some Billy Bob teeth, silly putty, and other little things. India got a Barbie doll house, a "real" Barbie doll (that's how she described it), some extra clothes for Barbie, a small basketball hoop that she had been wanting so she could play with her brothers, some books and watercolors. The expressions on their faces was priceless. Then we told Miss Fannie how her spirit and love blessed us and we wanted to be a blessing to her. We then presented her with a new ceiling fan, some portable fans for her house, and a $200 gift card to buy groceries to which she replied by saying, "Praise the Lord" while she clapped her hands in joy. She proceeded to say that she was so impressed with our kids and it gave her hope for the youth that a group would be so selfless.

God taught me a lot through Miss Fannie and the kids. Chris later said, "you all gave us so much" but I feel like they gave me more. I came away with love for a family I never would have met if we chose to stay comfortable just doing the typical youth camp thing. I'm so grateful we were able to do service for others on this trip. I'm so thankful for what I have and I pray God never lets me forget what He has blessed me with. I'm thankful for the "Miss Fannie's" out there that love the Lord with all their heart and make so many sacrifices for their families. There was a lot that happened at iMac and I'll tell you more later but for now I want to remember Miss Fannie's love. Thank you Lord.