What I've Done

I'm forgiving what I've done.
Now what will I do?
Deuteronomy 15:10
Give freely and spontaneously. Don't have a stingy heart. The way you handle matters like this triggers God, your God's, blessing in everything you do, all your work and ventures. There are always going to be poor and needy people among you. So I command you: Always be generous, open purse and hands, give to your neighbors in trouble, your poor and hurting neighbors

Glossy Images

More and more I'm realizing that there is one huge danger that sticks out in my mind that relates to people who have been Christians a while. I have been guilty of it myself. I'm challenged by it everyday. I'll tell you what I think it is later but first I want to share a story with you.

There is this girl I know. She's the outgoing, up for anything, always wanting to make others happy type. Despite her joy she lives with a continuous sorrow. You see, the joy she has now comes from her faith in Christ but there is a life before that faith. The sorrow comes from those in her life who haven't experienced the same joy she has yet. Allow me to elaborate.

My friend grew up in a home where she knew both of her parents loved her. She also knew that her dad was an alcoholic. Because of the addiction in his life her dad was incapable of being the husband and father he needed to be. She knew of his late nights out, or nights away. She knew of his infidelities and flirtations. She knew... and what she knew hurt. She longed for him to have the faith in Christ he spoke of in church with his Sunday School class or as a deacon. She longed for him to cry out to God the way she saw her mother do it. She longed, and she prayed, and she screamed, and she cried. The message he spoke of with his mouth he knew in his mind but it had no meaning in his heart. This was all very confusing to my friend. Her dad was very harsh and critical towards other "sinners." Harshest to the ones who dealt with the sins he loathed secretly in himself. She didn't understand why he was so aggressive towards others when he was tearing her family apart with his actions. My friend dealt with huge insecurities because of this. Mostly with guys and trust. Her trust was broken again and again and again with guys in her life as she grew older. But God had plans for her. He pulled her from a life that could have ended in pain and destruction and set her on a path of genuinely knowing Him. She met the one, true God. The one her mother cried and clung to. Not the image of Him painted with empty words and fruitless actions. God now continues to place people in her life that have similar struggles. She prays that God will use her life to affect others. My friend still prays for her dad. She still cries out to God for Him. She still has a place of grieving for him. But she has hope.

My friend... is me.

The danger that we face as Christ followers is forgetting what God saved us from. We should not dwell in our pasts but we must learn from it. It is very safe to surround ourselves with people who look like us, talk like us, and act like us but that is not what Jesus did. Jesus was perfect... who would he have hung out with when he came to earth? He was purposeful in being a friend to the sinners. That bears repeating. Jesus was purposeful in being a friend to the sinners.

It is so easy to criticize others. Usually the things we criticize the most are the things we struggle with in ourselves. I do it. I violently twitch inside when someone does something around me that I know I deal with in myself. I want to remember the things Christ has accomplished in me. I need to be reminded of His grace. If I forget the grace He's shown me then how can I be willing to tell others about it? If I forget His grace then how can I extend it to others? I don't want to live a life of glossy images and rose colored scenarios. God allowed me to face the trials in my life to glorify Him. I want my life to be a real example... not a fairy tale version of whatever I make it out to be. I love when my sister says, "don't be a stoner." I don't want to throw the stones of inadequacy at someone because they sure hurt when they are thrown at me. I ask God to never let me forget grace because people's lives are too valuable. My daddy's life is too valuable.

Ephesians 2
7 -10Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

The Day the World Changed

It is unbelievable to me that it has been six years since the tragedy of 9/11. It is one of those days that is imprinted on my heart and mind for life. I remember exactly where I was when I found out about the first World Trade Center being attacked. In my safe, naive, American world I knew it had to have been an accident... and then the other building... gone. My image that I had held onto my whole life of a secure, idealistic, United States changed in an instant. I never knew of such hate before. I had lived almost a quarter of a century on that day and I had never once thought about terrorism. HUGE reality check. This was a pure moment. A moment where I truly had to think about others before myself. I always thought I was socially aware and conscious of others but we live in a nation of privilege and security. Our security had been threatened and there was a loss and grief beyond the comprehension of words or feelings... so what happened next?

The thing that compels me most when I remember the circumstances surrounding 9/11 is the unity and LOVE that brought all of us together. In an instant we all came together as Americans and just loved one another. As I watched the continuing coverage on the news I grieved with those who lost loved ones, I prayed for the heroes and leaders in charge, I loved and I watched everyone else love. I saw every backgroud come together and lift each other up. We embraced those we never knew. We cried alongside of our neighbor. We all felt the need for each other... no life was taken for granted. I sometimes wonder when the switch flipped back again. When did life just casually slip back to the way it used to be? When did we all start taking life and love for granted again? I am just as guilty of taking these things for granted but I pray that the lessons of 9/11 will remain with me forever. I grieve for the loss of the husband, wives, mothers, sisters, brothers. I pray for our leaders and civic heroes. I just want to love. After all it is only love that will overpower the hate. Love like you mean it and never forget!

Fanmail

fanmail video

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These are the lyrics to "Fanmail" by KJ-52. Check out the video. I hope it makes you think like it did me. Are we showing others that God can take the pain away?

My arms are sliced up but I'm not embarrassed
It's the only way I get attention now from my parents
It's not like they really take the time to be caring
They just use me to watch the baby when they run they errands
My name is ___ I got a friend named Karen
She gave me your CD with the track for Eminem
You wrote a song called #1 fan I listened and
I wanted to know if you can help me like you was helping them
She had something even harder to be mentioning
Like every single day I struggle just with fitting in
Plus the boys won't give me no attention and
I get teased and made fun of by all my friends and then
See I'm feeling like I'm wishing now that I could end
My life cuz I'm sick and tired of all the time I spend
Trying to figure out how I could be worth anything
Can u help me KJ from your fan

I'm writing this letter
Cause I have to tell ya
I need some help from you
I'm writing this letter
I hope that you get it
I need some help from you

I live with my mom ever since my parents split
And At home I spend my time on the Internet
Looking at porn Im addicted and I'm sick of it
Myspace dot com is mostly where I'm getting it
On top of that there's videos that I can watch
And I really wanna quit but its like I can't stop
See I'm scared that I'm just gonna get caught
And when I see a girl all I think is dirty thoughts
And its not that I don't know that it's really wrong
But its right there for me every time I'm logging on
I got all your CD's I really like your songs
Well I downloaded em but anyway moving on
My screen name is KJ-52 is the bomb
I want to do a website KJ rock's dot com
I really some help cuz I can't tell my Mom
Oh by the way my real name is ___

I'm writing this letter
Cause I have to tell ya
I need some help from you
I'm writing this letter
I hope that you get it
I need some help from you

I took the time just to write you
We play you every Wednesday at my youth group
I love your music and we all think that you's cool
But I been struggling ever since I moved to a new school
See everybody thinks that I'm the perfect Christian girl
I had a hard time trying to believe that God is real
I've been on mission trips and camps the whole deal
My dad had cancer tho I prayed that God would heal
But he died anyway so it's hard to feel
Like he cares about me so was it God's will
To take away my dad I really got a raw deal
Sometimes I just want to swallow all my mom's pills
When I pray I really doubt it
I've lost my way or maybe I've never found it
I been smoking and drinking nobody knows about it
By the way my name is ___ don't mispronounce it...

If I could write to every kid that's out there
Every kid that's hurting feels like nobody cares
I would tell them that God can wipe away tear
And he's right near and I would say it quite clear
Your here for a reason you're not a mistake
You are a special creation that God himself made
To the victims of abuse to every girl that was raped
You can live you can be free from your pain
And find strength and no longer be ashamed
You can find peace and hope In Jesus name
You aint gotta live with this hurt every day
Christ came to give you life in a much better way
To every kid right now that's full of hate
And bitterness I'd tell em just to give it all away
To the one that came to take all the blame
That's what I'd write here's what I'd say

Critical comments saved for me

I hate games. Board games, card games, mind games etc. There is one game I will play though. It's a game that is universal. Everyone plays it at one time or another whether they like games or not. It's the blame game. I have found that I've been playing this one a lot lately. It starts with, "I've been done wrong and it's all their fault." Unlike Monopoly I own nothing and yet I feel as though I've won. I've handed full responsibility to someone else for my actions and somehow feel accomplished about that. It's difficult for me to allow people to see my weaknesses but by posting them I publicly confront them. I don't want people to think I'm perfect but sometimes I just don't want them to know how imperfect I am. I take the approach of "you can know my quirks just not my issues." Well I have an issue and I'm not putting this one on someone else... I'm going to own it.

I really dislike someone. This is someone very specific. It comes from having my feelings hurt repeatedly by her. It got to a point where I did approach her. I didn't get everything off my chest though because I wanted to protect an environment for others around me. I hate that these feelings control my emotional balance when I hear her name. Out of all the people who I've felt wronged by... there is just one in particular that I feel controlled by. It hurts when you feel like someone doesn't get you or doesn't like you for whatever reason. I always felt like this person didn't "get" me and never made an attempt to even when I invited her to. The whole situation reminds me of that old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right." Even more convicting, Galatians 6:1-5 "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him (or her-I added that), saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."

Critical comments for myself (In many areas of my life)

-Who am I not to forgive... I'm no better than the person I feel hurt by.

-I'm being self righteous by getting some sort of satisfaction out of thinking I have a right to hold onto this anger.

-How many times have I needed to ask for forgiveness... so publicly... I ask again.

-People will always lie, cheat, manipulate, slander, hurt others, distract, try to hinder your purpose or wait for failure... I need to "get over it" and move on with my life. I cannot let others control me. I allow things to distract my purpose and God is patiently waiting for me to get with it.

-I'm being just as hurtful by holding onto my unforgiveness.

-God can only bless me so much before the blessing ends if I continue to harbor resentment.

-I need to show more grace.

-I need to learn to love more.

God is so good though. He extends overwhelming grace again and again. He has still worked in my life even though I throw up many obstacles. God has shown me love and blessing in spite of my weakness. In my weakness He shows up. I never want to forget who I am and who He has created me to be. I know my purpose so I choose to fully sink myself into that. I will mess up again. It's a given. This is my journey. I may feel like I've dealt with an issue but the test of really knowing I've dealt with it is when it comes up again and again... what is my response... is it different this time? I need to learn to extend more grace... God always extends it to me. The "love your enemy, and learn to forgive" thing comes up a lot for me. What is my response this time? What is He trying to teach me through this? I'm grateful that God extends forgiveness 100% of the time even when it takes me way to long to ask for it. I pray that this admission on my part helps others forgive. I'm tired of hearing, reading and seeing ugliness in people who claim to be followers in Christ. Shame on us... no, shame on me. I pray that my forgiveness restores you. Now I ask you to forgive me. I ask her to forgive me. I'm not playing the game anymore. Save your critical comments for yourself. I'm owning mine...

Love is the movement.