Critical comments saved for me

I hate games. Board games, card games, mind games etc. There is one game I will play though. It's a game that is universal. Everyone plays it at one time or another whether they like games or not. It's the blame game. I have found that I've been playing this one a lot lately. It starts with, "I've been done wrong and it's all their fault." Unlike Monopoly I own nothing and yet I feel as though I've won. I've handed full responsibility to someone else for my actions and somehow feel accomplished about that. It's difficult for me to allow people to see my weaknesses but by posting them I publicly confront them. I don't want people to think I'm perfect but sometimes I just don't want them to know how imperfect I am. I take the approach of "you can know my quirks just not my issues." Well I have an issue and I'm not putting this one on someone else... I'm going to own it.

I really dislike someone. This is someone very specific. It comes from having my feelings hurt repeatedly by her. It got to a point where I did approach her. I didn't get everything off my chest though because I wanted to protect an environment for others around me. I hate that these feelings control my emotional balance when I hear her name. Out of all the people who I've felt wronged by... there is just one in particular that I feel controlled by. It hurts when you feel like someone doesn't get you or doesn't like you for whatever reason. I always felt like this person didn't "get" me and never made an attempt to even when I invited her to. The whole situation reminds me of that old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right." Even more convicting, Galatians 6:1-5 "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him (or her-I added that), saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."

Critical comments for myself (In many areas of my life)

-Who am I not to forgive... I'm no better than the person I feel hurt by.

-I'm being self righteous by getting some sort of satisfaction out of thinking I have a right to hold onto this anger.

-How many times have I needed to ask for forgiveness... so publicly... I ask again.

-People will always lie, cheat, manipulate, slander, hurt others, distract, try to hinder your purpose or wait for failure... I need to "get over it" and move on with my life. I cannot let others control me. I allow things to distract my purpose and God is patiently waiting for me to get with it.

-I'm being just as hurtful by holding onto my unforgiveness.

-God can only bless me so much before the blessing ends if I continue to harbor resentment.

-I need to show more grace.

-I need to learn to love more.

God is so good though. He extends overwhelming grace again and again. He has still worked in my life even though I throw up many obstacles. God has shown me love and blessing in spite of my weakness. In my weakness He shows up. I never want to forget who I am and who He has created me to be. I know my purpose so I choose to fully sink myself into that. I will mess up again. It's a given. This is my journey. I may feel like I've dealt with an issue but the test of really knowing I've dealt with it is when it comes up again and again... what is my response... is it different this time? I need to learn to extend more grace... God always extends it to me. The "love your enemy, and learn to forgive" thing comes up a lot for me. What is my response this time? What is He trying to teach me through this? I'm grateful that God extends forgiveness 100% of the time even when it takes me way to long to ask for it. I pray that this admission on my part helps others forgive. I'm tired of hearing, reading and seeing ugliness in people who claim to be followers in Christ. Shame on us... no, shame on me. I pray that my forgiveness restores you. Now I ask you to forgive me. I ask her to forgive me. I'm not playing the game anymore. Save your critical comments for yourself. I'm owning mine...

Love is the movement.